I hope my son Grayson isn’t going to be a big fan of movies, because he’s never going to the movie theater with me again so long as I live.
Ryleigh, my daughter, went to her first movie when she was Grayson’s age. Two, going on three. She saw a matinee of How To Train Your Dragon, and then a couple months later I took her to see Frozen and my brain would never be the same again from all of the letting it go. So I guess I assumed Grayson would be fine to take to the movies now.
Boy, was I fucking wrong.
Ryleigh really wanted to see the Lego Ninjago movie. I don’t know why. It looks like a piece of shit. And now that I think of it, I can understand the looks on my parents’ faces in the 80’s when I begged to go see the Dolph Lundgren Masters of the Universe movie. Still, sometimes you just gotta do your best to be Super Dad.
So off to the movies we went!
Lego Ninjago was playing at 3:20 in the afternoon. Upon our arrival, all the tickets had been sold out.
Really? The goddamn Lego Ninjago flick was sold out? You mean to tell me that plenty of people actually wanted to see this movie? And they paid for it? Maybe I’ve been wrong about a great many things my whole life after all.
The next showing was at 3:55, and it was in 3D. Now, this blog post isn’t meant to start a debate about 3D movies, but I think they suck. There I said it. Fuck you. But I wasn’t going to wait any longer than I had to for the Ninjago experience to start. My anticipation was… very okay.
Oh, and 3D movies are always more expensive than regular ones. But money is no object when it comes to your kids’ happiness! Am I right? Right? Guys? Sure… give me a minute to get a couple laughs out.
Ah, that’s better.
We had a half hour or so to kill, and conveniently there’s an arcade in the theater. Grayson is still young enough to have fun by just pressing the buttons while the game is in demo mode. He has no idea what he’s doing. Ryleigh, though, is too smart for my frugal ways and needed a few bucks to play some games. She’s also smart enough to not let her brother know that money is needed. That means more money for her.
Then it was time for popcorn and snacks. You can’t go to the movies without having their popcorn. It’s pretty much against the law not to, and you can’t make popcorn taste like that at home. I’m not going to dwell on how the snacks cost just as much as the tickets. We’re all aware, and yet we all still buy it. That argument is so old hat.
So we sat down. Ready for some Ninjago bullshit. Nice reclining seats. 3D glasses. Super comfy. The popcorn was delicious, and the kids mixed their M&M minis in with their popcorn. If you’ve never done that, you’ve never truly lived. All was going well, straight through the previews and commercials… right up until about ten minutes into the Ninjago movie.
“Daddy, I’m done,” said the boy, as he stood up from his reclining seat and proceeded to yell and dance all over the place.
“Awwwww fuck no…” I thought to myself, as I grabbed him from the aisle’s stairs to get him to sit down. Did you know that toddlers have this super power that comes out when you’re trying to get them to sit down and they don’t want to sit down? They can somehow make their bodies into perfectly flat surf-board-esque shapes. I stood no chance against this little monster. There was no way he was going to sit still for the rest of this movie.
“Ryleigh, we’re going to have to leave,” I said to my daughter. I could see the sadness in her eyes. “Your brother, whom I love very much, is a terror.”
I may have said the word “terror” to my little angel, but you best believe my inner monologue called him an asshole. And a little shit.
Mostly, though, I felt bad for the other people watching the movie. All ten of them. Kinda made me wonder if that other non-3D showing was really sold out… anyway, they didn’t pay their hard-earned money to watch the shit-show that was my son. They paid 
to watch the shit-show that is Lego Ninjago. I asked the nice folks at the theater if my darling princess could have a pass to come back another time. She’d only seen the first ten minutes and I didn’t want her to feel punished for my son’s behavior, and ultimately my stupidity for thinking he was ready for this sort of outing. The theater gave all three of us each a pass for another time. I’m sure they know I’ll be buying more popcorn. It was a real classy move on their part. Thank you, Cineplex Odeon.
It’s too bad the free passes have an expiration date on them though. I was going to keep one for Grayson’s 16th birthday to give to him. Because I’m never taking him to the movies again.
Thanks for reading!
-ryan
Dad Blog 